Cracklack’s Guide to Fucking on the First Date
Ok folks, here is crackalack’s easy, step-by-step guide to getting ANY girl to fuck you on the first date. Women, however much they want to believe otherwise, are predictable as fuck, and they’re all into the same shit. All you have to do is know what that shit is, and make sure you give it to them.
Step 1 – Hold the door. Women get wet right from the start if you open car doors, restaurant doors, movie doors, etc. for them. They think you really respect them as a person, and they actually think that you’re not just after sex when you do this for them. How fucking stupid.
Step 2 – Pay the bill for dinner, or anything. Yeah. This one’s a hassle, I know. But one way to guarantee a first-date fuck is to pay for everything. It almost obligates them into getting undressed for you. It’s almost like paying for sex, but without the feeling that you wasted money on a hooker. It’s all about keeping the challenge there.
Step 3 – Make sure you communicate during dinner to them that you don’t want sex. Don’t say anything about your past sex life, or whatever. All you need to say is, “I can control myself in those situations, and I really keep it down unless it’s someone I really, really like.” That last statement is the motherfucking key. If you say that, some kind of subhuman response comes out in a woman, and makes them want you to like them that much. Then, later that night, when you’re in the car or at the beach or whatever, all you need to say is, “I really, really like you.” Boom. Sex.
Step 4 – Don’t try to kiss her. That nigger shit Hitch had something right in that god-awful movie. You have to go 90%. Let her come 10%. If she comes that 10%, then you take the rest of it. But TAKE YOUR FUCKIN TIME. If she lets you kiss on her, kiss on her for like five minutes, THEN make out with her, THEN move your hands around, THEN start messing with body parts. If she lets you touch body parts, it’s almost a fuckin guarantee. The key is controlling yourself. This is because, if you go slow enough, she’ll forget that you’re a guy and some fucking delusional thought of prince charming will come into her mind. That’s when you make your fuckin move.
Step 5 – When you’re about to fuck, make sure you ask her if she’s sure. This one’s the clincher. If you ask a girl if she’s sure, she WON’T say no. This is the last showing of “how much you care about her opinion”. Then she’ll be like, “Just do it”. Exactly what you want to fucking hear.
That’s pretty much it. You can take the fuckfest from there. However, I know the morning after phone calls can be a bitch, so I’ve provided a step-by-step for ditching the bitch as well.
Step 1 – The morning after. Make sure your sober. If she’s still there, leave for a couple of hours. When she calls, say you’re at work and she better just get home, and to call you later. If she’s not there, don’t call her. Wait for her to call you. Sometimes hoes won’t even fucking call, and that’s a lot more skin off your back.
Step 2 – If she calls, communicate that you’re going through a lot of shit, and it’s hard for you to get committed into something right now. Don’t worry about her emotions, just say that shit straight up. If she starts crying, just say “I knew last night was a mistake.” Then she’ll start to feel bad, and open the door for more possible fucks later because she feels guilty.
Step 3 – If you’re on a dry spell, and you want to return to the same bitch for a slumpbuster, just give her a call and ask her if she wants to go out. Then repeat all steps.
Women are fucking robots, dude, and they’re all after the same shit. They won’t ever admit it, and call me a prick, but my methods are fucking tried and true. And I’m still getting laid almost every weekend. So take it from me..if you need to bust out of a slump, or keep a good streak going, just treat a bitch right for like four hours. You’ll be fucking set.
- Crackalacka